Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
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Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
One venti cheeseburger please.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Breaking news:
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.