The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
You Might Also Like
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.