I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
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Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”