*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
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Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts