Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
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5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you