My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
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Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.