friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
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“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids