“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
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God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.