No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
You Might Also Like
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule