Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
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*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Hey i am sexy to you now
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.