You Might Also Like
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
When news reporters do sports stories
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
A collection of me turning into random objects.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.