Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
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My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.