It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
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DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.