On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
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The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep