wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
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They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
I’m listening
Spotted in New Orleans.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.