I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
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Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.