before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
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Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Nose
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.