The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
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We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.