*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
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One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.