7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
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Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
an octopus is just a wet spider
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you