LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Is this a threat?
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
Not all heroes wear capes…
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?