Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
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all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
🛁
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.