*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
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Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
liiiiiiiiike
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.