TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat