The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
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[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
If a snake ate a cake
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.