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I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
absolute chaos
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.