Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
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[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating