“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
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i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
PLOT TWIST:
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.