Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
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Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself