Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
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My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.