It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
You Might Also Like
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
termite twitter scares me
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.