No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
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If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.