I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
You Might Also Like
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Love this guy
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
i wish i could marry a nap
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon