has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
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Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this