10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
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Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
the only organized thing in my life is crime
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.