If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
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“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Sheep
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends