Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
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god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.