Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
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I love the smell of relapse in the morning
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Cake!!
When your man makes a valid point
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Support your local cemetery
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?