wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
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[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn