I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
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me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.