I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
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guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
lol
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”