For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
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4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.