Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
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My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Netflix and awkward silence?
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.