Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
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Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Me irl
Xylophonist Shredding It
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”