most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
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Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
I think we should hear other voices.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
channeling her this year
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*