She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
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Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.