[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
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My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck