you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
You Might Also Like
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners