neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
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Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower