BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
You Might Also Like
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
how long have you had this for?
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?